Belief.

I was listening to my Flyleaf cd today... one of their songs, "Cassie", is about the girl that got shot in Columbine. The chorus says, "Do you believe in God? Written on a bullet? Say yes to pull the trigger. And Cassie pulled the trigger."...... i used to love that song so much b/c i knew that i would say yes in a fraction of a second.... but today... years later.. when i heard it i just felt awkward. My answer would now be no..... but i wish it was still yes.

insomnia-induced thoughts on life...

it's 1 something in the morning.. i've already tried to go to sleep but can't... so here i am... typing a blog.. and since it's the wee hours of the morning and i'm delirious it WILL be long...

SO.. i've been thinking a lot lately about IF ONLY...

IF ONLY i could go back in time and do things differently.. be a different person, a cooler person, a prettier person... a more accomplished person...

IF ONLY i had more money... i could go to this school, i could get this degree, i could buy this thing i simply can't live without...

IF ONLY i had this talent... had this look...

I've come to realize that i (and most Americans) are NEVER satisfied. with our belongings, our looks, our way of life... nothing. never. We worry about SO MUCH stuff, such vain useless junk...

We worry about which of our 30 or more pairs of shoes will look best with the outfit we are wearing... while someone else worries about how they will get another pair of shoes when their ONLY PAIR they have that they've worn for 3 years straight finally falls apart...

We get upset b/c we pay so much money to go to the doctor and get medicine for our common colds .. while someone else lies on a cot on a dirt floor under a tent, that's called a hospital, dying because they have no money to buy medicine... if it's even available to them.

We sit indecisively in fancy restaraunts deciding which over-priced meal to throw our money away on while people in other countries eat stuff we wouldn't touch. Like pumpkins. We may sugar them up and make pie out of them or cut them up during the holidays and stick a light inside them... what would people from other countries think of that?? People who rely on pumpkins to survive.. they eat them... they don't have ovens to make them tasty.. they just break them open and eat them. i would GAG. but they are considered lucky if they have some to grow. they are also considered lucky if they have a backbreaking or completely monotonous job that they do all day to make what would amount to pennies...

We stand in the hot shower for 10-30 minutes while some people have to walk 10 to 30 miles to get safe drinking water...

We envy others who have larger houses than ours.. while many have no house at all.

We get annoyed with our family members while millions are left orphaned because all their family members have died....

We pity ourselves and keep tally of what we DON'T have instead of looking at what we DO have.... we take SO MUCH for granted..

just something to think about...

lasdnaoerubgaidsfjldjflsdkjf lskadjf ??

i feel like, so BLAH today...

my back hurts SO bad.. last night i could hardly sleep i think b/c my back is so ... uncomfortable. i think i need my ribs popped back into place..

anyways...

my hair is fixed. it's very short, texturized, thinned, and shaggy. a little too short in some areas but.. it'll grow! and i have ALMOST all my natural color now.. there is some areas with the icky faded blackness at the ends still... but its over-all appearance is lighter.

SO... so far we know that 2 girls from juniors and 3 (of my FAVORITES) from childrens are going to Mens in 2 weeks... and so far i am going nowhere. fun..... :( it makes me sad... like i'm not doing good enough to move yet.... aggrivating. oh well.. i guess they can't move us all. then they'd have no one. psh.....

OH!!! i have been fiding some great things at work.. like, lost and found things... there has been a single earring up there for awhile so i finally took it b/c obviously no one's gonna claim it.... it's really pretty.. i'm gonna make it into a pendant for a necklace... and then sell it. hahaha. and last night i found a package of Bubbalicious LIP BALMS! it had 2 each of Original Bubble gum flavor, Cotton Candy, and Watermelon. so since i found them i kept one of each and then let 2 of the other girls split the others. joy.. joyness... and then BEST of all..... today i found a red power ranger action figure!!!! my brother's birthday is in April so it is totally getting wrapped up for that.. haha. it made my day...

and i got some beads in the mail today... that is all the beads i am buying until i sell at least like... 3-400 bucks worth of stuff.. seriously... i'm a bead-buying-aholic. it's bad... i'm gonna make a website and sell stuff.. :) yay.

okay well... that's all i have today...

OH!!

one more thing....

i have, twice now, seen THE CUTEST GUY EVER in the foodcourt on my lunch break... both times he was with his girlfriend.... *sigh..* oh well...

Inauguration Day.... however you spell it!

TODAY. January 20, 2009 America welcomes it's FIRST African American president... MR. Barack Hussien Obama! WOOO!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty flippin excited.

but let me tell you about the rest of my day.....

so i was getting ready to go to work this morning and i had on dress pants and a tshirt (so i didn't get makeup on a nice shirt).. and i had this HUGE sparkly flower clip (like.. actually has petals like a flower.. 3D, if you will) in my bangs to hold them back so i could put my mascara on.... WELL.. there's a knock at the door.. so i go answer it.. it's this really cute guy from the electric company telling me something about branches and powerlines.. anyways.. he had a smirk on his face and i didn't realize it until i went back to my mirror.... i had that freakin flower clip in my bangs and i looked SOOOO rediculous!!! i was ashamed. haha

then my day got better b/c i went to the post office to pick up my package from Hong Kong.... 500 Swarovski crystal beads!!!!! to let you in on how exciting this is...... Swarovski is to crystal beads as MAC is to computers, or as iPhone is to cell phones... Swarovski reigns supreme! they are so gorgeous... can't wait to create beautiful things! and i got them for about 2 cents per piece instead of the normal about 12 cents per piece. and i got 25 different colors! woo!! i love ebay.

except i did buy like, 3 things from this one person on ebay and i have not recieved them yet and i see it shows their account has been suspended or something... ?? luckily i didn't spend too much. but if i dont get my beads soon i'll have to see if ebay will give me my money back! anyways..

then my day got worse b/c on my way to work on memorial, i hit a dog. it and another dog were chasing geese and decided to run RIGHT infront of my car.. like, i just barely had time to slow down a litttttle bit. i hit him pretty hard but he didn't fall over, just stumbled and kept chasing the geese across the other 3 lanes of traffic.. the other dog made it safely across all 4 lanes. and i could see them on the otherside of the street in my rearview mirror just chasing those geese.. so i guess he was okay. he didn't look bloody and he seemed to run fine.. but i hope he didn't drop dead later, or get hit when crossing the street on the way back... it made me very VERY sad though.. i have never hit a dog or a cat before.. only opposums, a baby killdeer infront of it's mom and siblings (HORRIBLE!), and i think a snake.. and a big dead dear carcuss.. that sucked! haha. anyways, i worried about it all day.

then work was just slow and boring.. nothing exciting happened... no cute guys. yeah...

oh... and the other day i passed the cute boy hugging on his girlfriend... ICK.

okay that's all i have for now.

sad day...

SO....

cute boy #2 that got promoted to cute boy #1...? i found out today that he is married! i should do a better job at checking their hands before i like them... damn.

so cute boy #1 that got demoted to cute boy #2, has now defaulted back to cute boy #1.. although he doesn't really need a # since he's the only one now.. so.. cute boy. singular.

that's sad.

i totally just wrote this post and deleted it.. so now i get to re-write it...

OMG... technology never fails to amaze me.... i clicked one wrong button and ... gone! the whole freakin post...

OYE

anyways... so.. i started off by lamenting that everybody else has serious things to post about and i don't.. my posts are always random and vain.. and really have no importance or value... but i like to randomly type and today is one of those days.. when i just feel like typing.. b/c i'm bored..

so... okay one unseriously serious thing: today would have been my sister's 20th or 21st birthday.... her name was Tauser.. and although she was a different color and a different species, and spoke a different tongue.. and had no opposable thumbs.. she was still the best sister EVER and i miss her terribly... there will NEVER be another yellow labrador as smart and beautiful and companionable (is that a word?) as Tauser! she was the best.

so.. WORK- oh. my. effing. goodness. January in retail is like, please shoot me if i straighten that rack one more time. Seriously.. it's so slow.. we just walk around and straighten stuff all day.. ughhh... but anyways. they are saying we need to think about where we want to get moved to b/c they want most of us out of children's sometime in february so they can train more people.. why hire more people during the slowest time of year when you already have an abudance of employees and are facing a recession??? i don't know.. but children's is like.. the sacred training ground.. so we're getting booted out. and i only kind of have an idea where i want to work.. let's make a list....

*juniors.. not so much.. plus i think it is trainging also

*womens- NO! a.) manager is a witchy bitch and b.) the other women that work there are like venomous snakes all slithering around trying to get the same prey!

*cosmetics or fragrance- hello highschool! all over again, D-R-A-M-A.. and the girls put the HOR in horendous... i know.. whore.. but you get what i mean!

*jewelry... indifferent.. not so much though...

*accessories... no.. it's always cluttery and unkempt looking...

*men's... yeah! so long as it's not in the same department as that guy that always says hi to me.... eh.. no. but i like men's clothes! especially dress clothes.. and the manager is super nice and funny, i like her a lot!

*shoes... commission? no thanks! and the manager? oh my god.. NIGHTMARE!

*VISUAL... my first choice! walking around dressing mannequins and making displays.. sometimes like manual labor but much better than any selling position! i don't know if it has any special requirements though.. i'll have to ask..

so yeah... that's that... okay and one more thing with work.. there is now a cute boy #2! cute boy #1 is still cute but... a.) he smokes... b.) he apparently has a girlfriend... c.) he seems really up-tight and dorky.. d.) he doesn't really talk to me.. not that i talk to him but.. you know, he appears uninterested for the most part..... so .. cute boy #2... is cuter than cute boy #1, seems much cooler, and has talked to me more in like, only 2 occasions than cute boy #1 has ever talked to me in all the millions of times i've seen him. so, therefore, cute boy #2 has now been promoted to the status of cute boy #1 and cute boy #1 has been demoted to cute boy #2... confused much?? let me tell you about cute boy #3! haha.. j/k.

i smashed my thumb with a hammer the other day... it hurts ... but it's not swollen or bruised.. it sent shocks down to my elbow when i first hit it.. i hope it will be okay.. hopefully i didn't do anything to it...

i am re-doing my room... it is a much larger and more expensive project than i first estimated... my checkbook isn't happy. neither is my credit card and it declined today! i don't know why.. my balance shows that i still have 50 bucks until my limit.. if i check it tomorrow and someone has freakin stolen my identity i will straight up piss my pants.. no joke! i can't even pay for MY OWN expenditures.. much less some strangers.. and no, i don't have payment protection b/c they were charging me freakish amounts for that and i cancelled it.

anyways.. my room is gonna look beautiful when i'm all done! it's gonna be red, black, and white with a chinesey flair! heung chao! (i probably just cussed in chinese.. who knows!)

i've lost about 20 pounds since i've been working at Dillards.. just from the walking alone.. i haven't changed any eating habits really.. so once i start doing that i should drop the weight even faster.. which will be great.. i need to lose at least 80 to 90 pounds more... then i'll be super hott and maybe i'll actually have a boyfriend! hahaha... yeah... sad.

anyways.. i think that's all i have to talk about right now... hopefully i won't delete my post this time...

Kelsy told me i should update...

Everyone is doing blogs about 2008 ....

So this year was umm... yeah.. not the best. I got robbed, had to quit the job i really liked, had/still have paranoia and anxiety problems, had 2 aunts die, and went through like, 6 months of hell at a job i hated... reached the fattest point i've ever been.. .. also all this year i was... not in college. SUCK. so anyways.. now it's 2009. I have a safe job that doesn't suck TOO bad.. still have mental issues but that's okay... and i don't have any family members in jeopardy of dying but.. that doesn't always mean anything... ANYWAYS...

so for 2009 i plan on hopefully choosing something to major in... of course spring semesters are already starting so i'll have to look forward to going somewhere for the Fall Semester. or so i hope.. i did want to go to Ukraine but that's looking like it's NOT going to be a possibility at this time.. which SUCKS. 4th time that door has closed in my face. REALLY. anyways... yeah.

so i guess i have 3 new year resolutions... kinda.. 1.) find something to go back to school for... 2.) i seriously need to read my bible and pray.... it's like calling someone your best friend that you were friends with years ago but you have only been like, aquaintances for the last 3 years... acquaintances... ? i can't spell. anyways.. yeah. and then 3.) to lose like, 10 thousand pounds!! i've lost about 15 since working at Dillards.. b/c i have to walk allll day long pretty much. and then now i have started doing some excercises in the morning.. and then i am also going to try and start changing little things in my diet.... little things are best.. you can hold on to them easier!

so yeah.. that's basically my life at the moment...

i'm listening to David Cook right now... :)

"you teach me to rise up.. to open my eyes up... all these heroes come and go.. but you're still standing"... i don't think he meant for that to have any spiritual meaning but... i like it!

okay, thanks for reading...