Sunday, March 1, 2009

i've always been paranoid about developing a mental illness...

In the past month or so i have finally like, 120% accepted the fact that i seriously need to be on anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants... for over a year now i have not, for even a moment, felt at peace, half-way content, or even okay. I am constantly paranoid that something bad is going to happen. Or i think about sad/scarey things constantly and can't make my mind focus on anything else. I cry almost every day.. when i used to only cry one day out of the month (the heaviest PMS day).
So anyways... i need to ask my doctor about that SOON. Sometime's i feel like the world is just going to collapse in on me or explode and there's nothing i can do. I feel frantic a lot. And at night when i hear my furnace humming it sounds like fighter jets coming toward my house to bomb it. PARANOID.
But i don't want my doctor to send me to a therapist or something.. cause that's not what i want. at all. NO. and i dont' have insurance yet... oh well.

3 comments:

Kristi said...

The difference between you and truly crazy people, is that you recognize that what you are feeling and thinking is not typical. True crazies don't grasp that.

You have enough family history to make you even more paranoid. So if you think some meds,w ill help, I say do it.

FHL_Always said...

I've learned in my classes that the best thing for anxiety is not medication, but therapy. Otherwise you are only mitigating the symptoms, not the actual cause of your anxiety. And there's an even bigger chance of relapse without therapy. However, they can treat both anxiety and depression with anti-depressants.

Obviously I'm not a psychologist. But I guess I will say, I'm encouraging you to think about "therapy" because in the long run it really will help. But, I do know, even without a degree, that it takes IMMENSE courage to even say what you've said. And it takes courage to even recognize what you have seen in yourself!

I'm right there with you. I just called two days ago to make an appointment and it took everything within me to even tell them why I'm calling..."depression", "anxiety", "coping with stress". It's really scary! I'm going to have to be vulnerable for the first time. I was also extremely depressed after I called also because I felt like, almost like, I'm a weak person. That I should be able to do this on my own. And, I know that objectively that's not true. It's still hard to separate those feelings...BUT, ultimately I know that I want to be happy. And that's what pushes me further, despite my fears.

I know of some places where you do not need insurance. I'll write you back with some names.

Kristi said...

Great points! Making a call and making that admission is hard. I still get embarrassed when I call a doctor's office and say I'm coming in for depression--as if it's not a good enough reason to warrant a doctor's time. But the truth is, the more I talk about my depression and anxiety, the more I am able to accept it and not hide it.